Monday, 3 September 2012

I'm back ..... or rather, forth?

So nice to find you again!
Where have you been? Where have I been? Where do we meet again? Are we back or have we gone forth and we've found each other again?

No matter how hard you try, or how still you remain, how your steps bring you closer to what you think is a setback, is it ever possible to go back to a state that you used to be in or as it used to be like?

I hadn't had any meat (something that I felt I wanted to do for many years, but it seemed impossible, yet it happened very easily) since last April and I started to eat meat again in August... My girls asked me if "I had quit trying" . I explained that for me it was never about trying.... I was just following what my body (not only) was asking for. I was doing the same now when I felt I wanted to have meat again. Is this considered to be a setback?
I also haven't meditated for quite a long time in the typical way, you know, sitting with my legs crossed (or almost like this, because it's not MY way of sitting) and my eyes closed and listening to one of my favourite guided meditations. There have been months that I used to do that daily! Right now I feel I'm following some other kind of meditation, one I cannot put my finger on, yet, but feels more ... "earthy". Is this a setback, too?

Every summer, either due to the kids' summer holidays, or due to the warm weather, or due to a general ease, I adjust to a "no-program" that we adopt as a family... The hours I'm alone are much less, since the kids are not away for school, I spend a lot more hours with family and friends, here, at the beach or for a walk and I have no program in general, or perhaps I cannot follow one, for practical reasons and finally, because I choose to do so.
Every summer, the hours I spend on-line are minimised or even reach zero (you must have seen that...). I realise that this is a need of mine to live more in here and now, inside my body and less... on-line. I do not say this is good or bad, it's just something that suits me and I follow it.
Every summer I fear the heat! Just thinking about high temperatures I ... freeze! It's not just my idea, since my really low blood pressure does not help much in this case, but the last few years I felt I was fighting against the heat and that this even made me aggressive.... Perhaps you can imagine that this year, with all those heat waves we had here in Greece and with the temperatures almost stuck in red I was almost half dead ... half dead but fighting!
The first days have been exactly like that! But at some point, which I cannot tell exactly when that was, it was like I gave up. The fight was uneven and when I realised I was actually wishing I could lose three months from my life and skip into fall in a magical way, my sadness was such that it made me decide to go with the flow... Being careful of what I wish for, I wouldn't like to lose three months!
I slowed down even more, but now I consciously decided -or allowed- to do nothing more than the absolutely necessary when it was too hot. I stopped being mindful of how much I was suffering! Or I allowed myself to sweat and suffer. I'm so proud to tell you that every time a heat wave was over I realised with big surprise that I had made it! Not that I was looking forward for the next one, but it wouldn't ask me, anyway! I was one hundred percent inside my body and not in my mind, trying to cast a spell against it or to avoid what felt bad, which was not in my power to do so, anyway...

Can a seed fight against a clot of earth that for the moment looks unbeatable? I guess not, but instead this clot will define the seed's root, will bend it and make its life difficult, it might even separate the seed from all the rest.
But when the small seed becomes a tree, the same clot will not matter anymore.

Having decided to follow the Way of a Peaceful Warrior, I first had to find peace inside myself! Like a silent acceptance of what is! Acceptance, not resignation.
I accepted all that had to be done (preparations and things to be done, everyday or not, planed or not, easy or not) and I just started doing them. Without spending my energy on thoughts and scenarios for avoiding them, I just did one after the other the things I had put with fear on my to-do list and one by one I deleted them. My satisfaction was such that almost outgrew my exhaustion! And when my exhaustion was gone, my satisfaction was still there, giving me even more strength and joy!
The Peaceful warrior inside had won! And this cannot be considered as a setback.

So, I'm very happy to see you again, at a point forth in time and space, inside and outside ourselves!
We'll keep in touch.....