Friday, 18 October 2013

From Mom to Daughter ~ Yes, I make mistakes! And I stand up and try again!

My dear daughter,
My first thought -I think- when I was listening to your words and your tears bursting out with so much pain from within you was "screw the Reiki diplomas and readings about self-awareness and the help that I offer to others and the unconditional love that I teach... If we have reached this point and haven't avoided it, then screw them!!!"
I held my breath unconsciously! I had no other reaction until the blood would start to flow again into my head. I couldn't remember a prayer or anything at all!
I was disappointed and angry and desperate with myself, with you that you insisted on seeing just Nothing in-front of you and with a few words you knocked down everything I tried to build. You threw Nothing on my face!
I gathered the pieces and tried to breathe deeply several times, not because I remembered that this helps, but rather because my lungs were gasping for air for some time.
I felt numb... didn't know what to think! My fear was laughing with irony and sarcasm that all I had achieved was to raise a child who feels that no one understands her, that is desperate and that her own mother is to blame for the biggest part of this all, because she just couldn't make her feel that she loves her and accepts her for who she is.
When I finally reached my room, I needed to hold myself to find my balance again, my centre.
I put some music on... The last remains of optimism inside of me were whispering that fear is the worst guide in these cases...
I had to make it to refill my being with love!
I reminded myself that moments of crisis are to show that something needs to change... To find a new equilibrium, where things will be better, until perhaps they need to change again! Change is uncomfortable and some times painful. Yet, is necessary in order to evolve.
I knew that most of the things you said were said in anger and that you didn't mean them. I knew that when you would calm down perhaps you could see things differently. But most of those words hurt more because I could see some truth inside them... They hurt more because you did...
How can I come into your world and make you really see what I feel for you? Can I? Will it be for your own good?
To make you see that my love for you does not change, nor lessens when I don't approve some behaviour or choice of yours, or when I argue with you for them.
Because simply, YOU'RE NOT YOUR BEHAVIOUR NOR YOUR CHOICE!
My child, even the worst criminals have raised kids who have shone for their strength and positivity and have been admired when all people would expect and excuse them for the opposite.
The point is.... of course I have made mistakes and I continue to do so and this is only natural since I'm a human being and no human being is perfect. A mother even more so!
It is expected, perhaps even desirable that a child, no matter how right the acts or thoughts of the mother are, to doubt or delete them and her choices in order to become better. It's in the process of individuation, a healthy process, yet painful some times.
However, when we stuck to the mistakes especially those of the past, then we don't move forward, nor evolve. And this involves both of us.
I need to forgive myself for what I have done and what I haven't done and move on.
You have to forgive me for what I have done and what I haven't done and move on.
There are so many excuses and we can both create even more, but wouldn't it be better to stop needing our excuses?
I can only choose for myself. You will choose for yourself, no matter what I tell you, no matter what anybody tells you.
I choose to forgive and to love!
Forgiveness means to acknowledge my mistakes, be aware and responsible for my part and choose to release the emotions that are involved in the particular situation and not hold on to bitterness, sadness and anger inside of me. I move on. And hope to become better. And try my best.
I fill the empty space with love! Again! And only love! Love for myself first of all!
If I don't love myself, how can I be able to love the others and how can I be loved?
I remind myself that I deserve to be loved! That I don't need to be perfect in order to be loved, because who's perfect, after all?
I remind myself that I love myself Now and The Way I Am! That I don't need to lose weight, or have more money and nice clothes or a successful job or many friends.... or....
Because, if I need them in order to love myself, there will be something new to need when I get to have them.
Since the past is gone and the future is not here yet, the only thing I have is Now! I choose to love myself Now! My many Nows in a row make my life, a life in love and acceptance, a life in joy and fulfilment, in true happiness.
I choose love, because the choice is mine! Always mine! No matter what happens around me, what the circumstances and the behaviours of others, I always have the choice!
Since I cannot tell you what to do, I can only do for myself and hope that you copy me if you choose to believe it's worth it.
With true love,
Your mom.
❦ ~ ❦ ~ ❦ ~ ❦ ~ 

Those letters from Mom to Daughter wish to become a series of posts... They are letters that have the magic property to transform themselves into letters from daughter to mother, from mother to herself, from a mother to another, from me to you... and the series of transformations is endless and they all coexist!
They might have risen from a situation in my own personal life, or a vague thought in my mind that I give it flesh and blood, or a discussion with a friend... it doesn't really matter.
They are healing to me, I hope to you, too.
With true love,
Christiana


No comments:

Post a Comment